


Prayer

by GertieCraign



Series: My Dean Calls Me 'Brother' [5]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Angst and Feels, Best Friends, Castiel Loves Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester Loves Castiel, Destiel - Freeform, Emotional Hurt, Headcanon, Kissing, M/M, No One Else Dies In This Fic, Our Cas Is In One of Them, Our Cas is with the Winchesters in This Universe, Post-Episode: s12e23 All Along the Watchtower, References to Major Character Death - Canon, Regret, Sad, Season/Series 12, Tags for Parallel Universe Fics are Really Hard, The Rift Opened Alternate Parallel Universes, This Series has a Happy Ending, This Universe's Cas Died on the Beach in Washington, if I did it right
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-29
Updated: 2017-06-29
Packaged: 2018-11-21 00:22:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11346159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GertieCraign/pseuds/GertieCraign
Summary: Cas is preparing for the journey back to his universe.Dean has been a good friend to him throughout. He's also really worried about him.They've both been trying to deal with multiple elephants in the room, and so far, they've done well. And behaved themselves. But when you have two people who love each other this much, dealing with this much emotional pain...A slip is almost inevitable.





	Prayer

 

“You think you’ve figured it out, you mean?” Dean asked, leaning over Cas’s shoulder. The lettering in the book the angel was reading was far too small for him to see from that distance, so he got a bit closer. And then closer still, until Cas grinned and picked the book up and handed it to him.

“Bottom of the page. Furthest column on the right.” Cas said, and then waited for Dean to read.

“Prayer?” Dean sounded incredulous. “Seriously? An infinite number of possible universes and you picked out one set of prayers from one version of me. I mean, my...the ‘me’ version of me.” He winced.

“It appears so. I heard multiple variations of prayers from... _you_ , but... _yours_ were the strongest. They apparently guided the energy I used to reopen the rift.”

“So what about the Dean where you come from? He wasn’t prayin’?”

Cas shrugged. “Apparently not as intensely as you were...if he prayed at all.”

“If?” Dean asked. He was already starting to sound angry and Cas gently pat his arm, trying to soothe him. Dean was having none of that. “Whaddya mean, ‘ _If?_ ’ You think he didn’t even pray to you? Didn’t even _try?!_ ”

“Dean, you can’t-”

“What the fuck is wrong with him?! No...ya know what...I don’t care. The son of a bitch doesn’t deserve you.” Dean had begun pacing again. It was rapidly becoming a marker for their ‘parallel-Dean’ conversations. “Seriously, Cas...what the hell?”

“Dean…” Cas sighed. “He may not even know I’m gone.” He realized how that sounded as soon as he saw the explosion that was about to rip it’s way out of his friend. “Because there may be another version of me in that universe! That’s...what I meant. Not that he doesn’t care.” He looked at him, then he tilted his head and raised his eyebrows, trying to coax him to relax.

“It’s still bullshit,” Dean spat. “He knows you’re not at full power. You don’t have all your grace - there’s damage to your wings. And what… He can’t spend a few minutes a couple times a day to send you some prayers? Help you get at least _a little_ better?”

Dean plopped the book down on the desk next to Cas with a thud. Cas gently closed it, leaving the ribbon marker on that page. He leaned back in his chair and watched Dean continue his pacing. After about half a minute, the man stopped, crossing his arms defiantly over his chest and staring back at the angel. Dean shook his head slowly.

“I don’t get it.” He stared for a bit longer, then very slowly made his way back to Cas’s side. He leaned back, partially sitting on the top edge of the desk. “I know...I keep saying that. And you keep telling me it’s not how it _looks_ …’r _sounds_ , ‘r...whatever, but… You’re not ok. You didn’t have to tell me that. I can see it. And I’ve been prayin’ to you multiple times, every single day since you got here, ‘cause I know it helps you.”

Cas smiled. “I know. I’m very grateful for that, Dean. It does make a difference.”

“I know it does. And _he_ knows it does. So why doesn’t he pr-”

“He doesn’t know.” Cas interrupted. “At least...um…” He dropped his gaze to the floor and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “I’m...actually not sure if he knows that. He might.”

“How can he not know that?” Dean demanded. “You can’t read more than a page of any book on angels and not have somebody tellin’ ya that all angels thrive on prayer!”

“He didn’t have the same kind of…time. Or the access-”

“That’s…” Dean cut himself off, feeling the urge to yell becoming too strong. He groaned in frustration and rubbed his eyes. “He had...that whole bunker full of books, Cas. Every one of the books you and me and Bobby and Sam managed to find over the years that talked about angels...copies of all of them were in that library. I looked, when we were there. He had access to probably everything ever written about angels. So, ya know...for a guy who calls you his best friend or his ‘ _brother_ ’...” He snorted derisively and shook his head.

They were both quiet for a while. Dean stared out the window, trying to keep himself from unloading all his frustration on Cas. He knew that wouldn’t be fair.

His attention was diverted by a tennis ball that went sailing from somewhere near the garage into the backyard and a streak of dark brown in hot pursuit. The neighbor’s dog had apparently made the one-mile trek to visit with Bobby again, today. That was becoming a strong friendship in a big hurry. Bobby kept acting like he was annoyed by the hairy beast staring at him while he ate his lunch at his workbench, but that was for everyone else’s benefit. The dog invariably ended up with a decent chunk of said lunch and Bobby always spent at least ten or fifteen minutes sending that ball flying and then giving the drooling monster tons of praise for bringing it back to him. As the days got hotter, he’d started keeping a small kiddie pool filled with cool water for his new buddy to lay down in, after a nice game of fetch. The dog had fewer and fewer reasons to go home, but she always did. About the same time each day. Her family likely went off to work or school and left her alone. Clearly, she preferred to have company.

Dean had made a point of driving by the neighbor’s house a few times, trying to just catch a glimpse of the dog - make sure she really was ok at home. The kids playing with her in the front yard had answered that question. She looked very happy. She was fine.

He looked back at his friend and felt the strong desire to cross back through the rift with him, when the time came. He wanted to confront the other version of himself. Find out what the guy’s problem was. Or just beat his ass. Cas deserved to be loved and this douchey version of himself was fucking it up. It wasn’t ok.

“Ya know…” Dean began, obviously still pissed. “...at the very least the guy could’ve-”

“Enough.” Cas forcefully cut him off. He sighed heavily and sat back in the chair. “You don’t have the information you’d need to pass such judgments.”

“I don’t need to know all the details to know you’re not happy.”

“My Dean...is a good man. A _very_ good man... And he’s my friend. I will not listen to you disparage him.” There was an edge of finality to Cas’s voice that Dean didn’t miss. Unless he wanted a very loud fight that he would almost certainly lose, this conversation was over.

Dean sighed. It took him a moment to let it go, but he managed it. Mostly.

“So, prayer,” he eventually said, getting them back on track. “If that’s what got you back here, then...I mean, how are you gonna know how to get back to your universe? Ya know, if he’s not...”

He stopped and cleared his throat. “How will you find the right one?”

“From what I was able to find,” Cas said, turning back toward the book and opening it to another marker. Dean stepped to his side again, leaning over so he could see. “It appears the spell could also be guided from the other direction. I’d use the wavelengths of my true form as a...homing beacon of sorts. The base energy signature is specific to each universe. My true form should resonate strongly when the spell’s vector is focused onto the correct one.”

Dean grinned. “You wanna try givin’ that to me in English?” he murmured into Cas’s ear.

The playfulness in that voice, along with it’s very close proximity, would have been enough for him, but Cas also felt Dean’s breath on his ear and neck as he spoke. He instantly blushed, and spent the next several seconds mentally scrambling to regain his composure.

“Yes, um…” He lightly cleared his throat and then swallowed. “Sorry. I, uh...let me…think of a...um...a better...um...” He squirmed and reached up to rub the back of his neck.

Dean’s grin got a lot bigger and he gazed with open delight at the angel’s bright red face. He hadn’t meant to do that. He really had only gotten this close so he could see the book, but he kept forgetting how easy it was to trip this Cas’s trigger. The simplest flirtations, even brushing past him accidentally, would often leave him flustered and nervous. He always tried to hide his blush, his smile, his...other reactions - completely unaware that it just made him even more appealing.

Dean was extremely tempted to continue tormenting him, but he knew that would just be mean. Cas had been trying very hard, ever since he’d arrived, to keep their relationship in check. They’d worked out a plan for handling it in those first couple of days, and Cas had held up his end of it like a champ, staying well within the boundaries and helping Dean to do so, too. He’d been a perfect gentleman. Dean wasn’t going to be the asshole that made him break that commitment.

Also, they needed to get a viable plan together and Cas wasn’t going to be able to even form a complete sentence if he didn’t back off. So, that’s what he did. He shifted back to his position leaning against the edge of the desk and gave the angel a moment to pull it together. He didn’t stop smiling at him though.

Cas’s eyes flicked up to him very quickly a couple of times before he squeezed them shut and forced himself to focus. After a long moment, he finally managed to pull together an explanation.

“Ok,” Cas began, with a strong exhalation. Dean giggled. That didn’t help. “My true form can be thought of as an aggregate of wavelengths that functions as a single...entity. The group can be summarized as one wavelength.”

Dean stared at him. Then lifted his eyebrows and tilted his head down. He was still grinning, but it was no longer because of Cas’s blush. Now, it was because Cas actually thought that would make sense and it was really cute.

Cas blushed again and slumped. He looked around the room and at the items on the desk. In a quick burst of inspiration, he grabbed a whole fistfull of pencils out of the cup in front of him. He took a nearby rubber band and quickly banded them all together into one group.

Dean nodded. “Yeah, ok. Lots of different wavelengths...er whatever...but they’re all part of one big ...wave-bundle. Got it.”

“Alright. Let’s say...that all of these pencils _and_ this desk were made at the _same time_ , from the wood of the _very same tree_. Not just the same _kind_ of tree - the same _individual tree_.”

Cas paused, looking questioningly at his friend to make sure he was still following. Dean nodded. Cas continued.

“Now...suppose I didn’t know that the desk and the pencils are from the same tree. Let’s say, I only know that _some other object_ in this room was made from the same tree as the pencils. And my job is to figure out which object that is.”

Cas reached forward and held the pencils up against the desk lamp. “The first thing I’d do is eliminate all the objects that are not made out of wood. This metal lamp for instance or the glass window panes or plastic pens. That would eliminate a very large number of objects and narrow the search considerably.”

Dean nodded again. Cas stood, grabbing a metal ruler from the desk, and took a few steps into the center of the room.

“This ruler represents the spell I intend to use. It’s the same spell I used to open the rift to enter this universe.” He held the ruler out at the end of his arm, like a sword, pointing it at the wooden bookcase. “When I point this spell at a wooden object, it will tell me if the wood is the same _species_ as the wood in the pencils. It won’t tell me if it’s the same tree. Just if it’s the same species of tree.”

Dean’s brow furrowed. “There’s a lot of stuff made out of the same kinda wood in here, though. That’s not gonna narrow it down enough.”

“Exactly.” Cas nodded, “And that’s why, when I used this spell, I ended up in _this_ universe instead of my own. This one is very similar to mine, but it’s not _exactly_ the same.”

“Ok, so...you need a different spell. Something that’ll tell you _exactly_.”

“Yes. And _that_ ,” Cas said, emphatically as he stepped back over to the book and pointed to the section they’d looked at earlier. “...is what this modification to the spell will do.” He waited for Dean to see what he was pointing at and then quickly moved back to the center of the room. Dean turned and saw Cas shoving the end of the metal ruler into the tight bundle of pencils. It stuck out several inches from the center.

“That’s the modification? Shove it up inside your true form?” Dean deadpanned. “Kinky.”

Cas was about to point the pencil/ruler bundle at an object again, but stopped halfway. He stared at Dean. Dean didn’t bother waiting for the brow wrinkle and the squint. He raised both hands up in surrender.

“That was a joke, Cas. A really stupid joke. I’m following ya, I promise.” He could see that Cas wasn’t entirely convinced, so he proved it to him. “The pencils...are your true form. The ruler is the spell. And this new thing you’re gonna do will...bind the spell to your true form...somehow. Right?”

“Yes,” Cas said flatly. He still squinted, but decided to leave it. Dean seemed to understand all of this. That was what mattered, at the moment.

“Ok,” Dean said. “You were on a roll and I threw you off. I’m sorry, Cas.” Dean nodded. “Please continue.”

Cas was still staring and squinting at him, but now it was for a completely different reason. Dean had just apologized for confusing the hell out of him when he was trying to explain something. Cas wasn’t entirely sure what to do with that. No one had ever done it before.

“Cas,” Dean coaxed. “Somethin’ in there break? Where’d ya go?”

Cas shook himself out of it and looked down at the bundled pencils and ruler.

“U-um…” he stammered. Again, he shook himself and finally came back online. “Yes, the pencils are my true form, the ruler is the spell. The spell will be linked to my true form.”

“Ok,” Dean said. “So...is that dangerous? Having it linked to the _real you_ like that?”

“It’s an acceptable level of risk, considering it may be my only option,” Cas said, almost absently. When he saw Dean’s face, he quickly corrected. “I mean, no. No, it’s not dangerous. At all.”

Dean closed his eyes and sighed, letting his head drop down. “Ok. We’re just gonna...put a pin in that.” He said as he rubbed eyes with thumb and finger. Wearing a very forced smile, he looked back up at Cas. “Continue. Please.”

“Alright...um,” Cas said awkwardly. His eyes were shifting down and to the side.

Dean just slowly shook his head.

“With the spell linked directly to the pencils, I’ll now be able to point the spell at a wooden object and the spell will compare the DNA of the wood in both. So, even if there are several wooden objects that appear extremely similar, only one of them will have exactly the same DNA as the wood in the pencils. That’s the object made from the same tree.”

“Ok, so...in real life, you’re gonna be in that weird-ass apocalypse universe when you do this, yeah?”

“Yes.”

“And you’re gonna narrow it down on your own. Then you’re gonna link the spell to yourself and scan with the spell.”

“Yes.”

“And last time you didn’t have the spell linked to your true form, so you had to, what...guess?”

“I…” Cas winced, trying to come up with a way to explain. “It was...an educated guess, but yes. A guess.”

“And...you based that on how loud or strong the prayers were that were coming from the different universes.”

“No. The prayers were what guided the spell toward this universe and a couple of others that are almost identical to it - those with timelines that diverged only days or even hours before I emerged into this universe.”

Dean blinked at him. That was still a bizarre concept he couldn’t quite believe. An infinite number of universes. It just seemed...unmanageable. Like...if it were true, then it was almost shocking that this kinda shit didn’t happen all the time. Rifts and universe crossing and just...chaos. He shook himself and refocused again.

“And...you made an educated guess, from that little group of universes.”

“Yes. And I aimed for one particular universe, based on that guess.”

Dean nodded.

“But...I didn’t make it to that universe,” Cas continued. “I was diverted. To the one right next to it. This one.”

“And that happened because…?”

“Because the intensity of your prayers was strong enough to tug my grace off course. I appear to have been...drawn...to you.”

Dean looked at him. He made several attempts to open his mouth and say something, but all of them failed. He was clearly trying to come up with a joke or snarky comment, but he kept stopping himself.

Cas quietly watched as various emotions made their way across his friend’s face. Eventually, Dean gave up and simply nodded.

“Wait,” Dean said and looked up at him wide-eyed. “Was it… Did I do this? I mean, would you have gotten home if I hadn’t-”

“No,” Cas assured him. “No, I would have ended up in the wrong universe regardless. I was not pointing in the right direction.”

Dean looked closely at him for a long moment, then finally nodded.

“Ok...last thing,” Dean said, crossing his arms over his chest. “If all these other universes were all right next to each other...and if they were all universes that were exactly like this one, but maybe only had, like, a few hours worth of differences…  Wouldn’t I have been praying in all of them? I mean, they’d have been the same prayers. How would mine have been stronger than the other...me’s?”

Cas thought about that for a moment. “Where were you when I came through the rift? What were you doing? Do you remember what you were thinking?”

“I was...uh… I was upstairs. In the cabin. I...was looking out the window at…” Dean cut himself off. “Oh, wow,” he mumbled.

“What is it?”

“I was… This is crazy… I was staring out that window, at the spot where the rift was before. And I was… I was definitely prayin’ to you, but… I was, um… I was tryin’ to sorta...mentally call to you through the rift. Like it was still there. And, uh... “ Dean chuckled in disbelief. “I was tryin' to _will_ the rift to open...and then get you to walk through.”

It was Cas’s turn to be shocked. He had no idea what to say to that.

“Cas… did I freakin’ _will_ that rift open with my mind?!”

Cas opened his mouth to speak but just shook his head instead, staring back at Dean with equally wide eyes.

“Ok...ya know what? I’m gonna go with ‘no’. I’m stickin' with the first thing you said. It was just the prayers. Calling to you. And pullin' you here. 'Cause... I’m _not ok_ with me bein' able to rip holes in the universe with my head. That’s just… that’s not cool.”

‘Well, it’s poss-”

“Just agree with me. I didn’t do that. It didn’t happen.”

Cas grinned and then quickly covered it. He nodded solemnly. “It didn’t happen.”

“Ok.” Dean shivered and immediately changed forcus. “So...the prayers. What was different? Were they just louder?”

“Your prayers were constant, and they were sincere… but so were many of the others. It’s possible that you were one of the few or perhaps even the only one praying with great intensity at the exact moment of the spell. But...as with all of the versions of you from this particular set of universes... your prayers were… they were personal.” Cas looked up, meeting Dean’s eyes. “Intimate. That made them very powerful.” He held his friend’s gaze for several seconds, before the level of emotion forced him to look away.

Dean sighed quietly and turned his attention to the large, open windows. A breeze had picked up, moving the sheer curtains inward in a light furl.

“You heard all of ‘em?” Dean asked, a little sheepishly. He waited a moment, then turned back to Cas. “Everything?”

Cas looked up at him and shook his head. “No. They were faint. Distant. I wasn’t able to distinguish individual words most of the time. But the intent was clear… that’s the most important part for an angel. It’s what calls to us.”

“You know...you’ve probably explained that to me a hundred times and I still don’t really get it.” Dean snorted and they both grinned.

“You understand it in practice. That’s what counts. Your _intent_ was simply for me to hear those prayers... and you were _not_ going stop until you knew I had.” Cas’s grin became wry and he tilted his head. “Your soul is exceptionally willful, Dean Winchester.”

Dean barked a real laugh at that. “Eh...what can I say...I get the job done.”

Cas chuckled. “Yes you do.”

“I guess I got the right guardian angel, then.” Dean grinned at him then turned to get his glass of lemonade. “Stubborn bastard,” he mumbled. He chuckled to himself as he took a swig and set the cup down. When he looked back to Cas, he saw the angel’s expression had changed. “What?” he asked.

“I, uh…” Cas fumbled. He slowly made his way back to the desk chair and sat. The pencils and ruler were dropped back into their homes on the desk.

“Ah, Cas...come on, you know I’m just giving you shit-”

“No...I know. I...um...you just reminded me of something...someone said.” Cas cleared his throat. “And something I’ve been meaning to tell you.”

“Ok,” Dean said, turning a little more toward him. Cas’s expression instantly made him uneasy.

“It’s actually very, very good news, if it...um…” he said, trying to be reassuring, but knowing he was failing. He fidgeted nervously, and then braced himself and looked right at his friend. “Dean, I need you to understand that what I’m about to tell you… I _cannot_ tell you how I know it. I just… I need you to…” He hesitated and swallowed. “I know how much you hate it when I hide things...and the problems that has caused, but... please believe me, if there were any way I could tell you I’d-”

“Cas,” Dean interrupted him. “Relax. Jeez.” He looked at the angel until he got a tiny, hesitant grin out of him. “Just...lemme ask one thing, and then you can tell me what you need to tell me, ok?”

Cas looked even more uncomfortable. Dean shook his head and put his hand on his friend’s shoulder.

“I’m not askin’ you to tell me the ‘thing’, just… The stuff you can’t tell me - is it even _remotely_ possible that me not knowing could put you in danger? Or Sam or Bobby or...anyone at all?”

“No.”

“Hundred percent sure?”

“Yes.”

Dean nodded. “Ok.” He looked at his friend and gave his shoulder a squeeze, before letting go. He brushed his finger fondly across Cas’s jaw as he pulled his hand away and grinned at him. “I mean...yeah, you’re right, I don’t like it when you don’t tell me what’s goin’ on, and we’re still gonna talk about this ‘tyin’ yourself to the spell’ thing but… If you’re sayin’ there’s some really big reason you can’t tell me right now… Ya know… I trust you.”

Cas just stared at him for a long moment. He briefly closed his eyes, once again trying to process what he’d heard. Then he looked back at his friend. “Thank you,” he said quietly.

Dean grabbed his glass again and raised it, pausing to furrow his brow at Cas. He chuckled. “Yeah, man. ‘Course, I trust ya. Why wouldn’t I?” he said, and took a drink.

Cas’s face fell. He tried to cover the reaction, before Dean noticed. He didn’t quite make it, but he was fast enough to keep it from derailing the conversation entirely. He swallowed and forced himself to focus.

“As I said, it’s very good news.” He cleared his throat and a small smile spread across his face. “I have it on very good authority… that when I cross out of this universe and back into my own…” He saw the flinch in Dean’s expression and blurted out the rest quickly. “Your version of Castiel will be regenerated here...in this universe.” He watched Dean closely, waiting to see understanding in his expression.

He didn’t have to guess when that happened. Dean’s expression went blank, just before a multitude of emotions cascaded across his face. Cas couldn’t tell if he was about to laugh or cry or scream, so he didn’t wait. He slowly stood and put his hand on his friend’s shoulder.

“Dean, I...I wanted to tell you right away, but I wasn’t certain you’d…” Cas hesitated, then shook his head. “No, that’s not true. I, um… I needed to believe it myself, first.”

“Wait,” Dean said. He looked and sounded like he was in shock, so Cas made sure he kept his grip tight. “He’s, um…  Regenerated? What’s...what is that? You mean...like the way it happened before? At the cemetery?”

“I assume so, yes.”

Dean dropped his gaze down, staring at nothing in particular. Cas leaned a bit to try to get Dean to look at him again. “He’s coming back to you, Dean. Once I’m gone, he’ll be here. Just as you remember him.”

Dean looked back up at him, but still didn’t move. “How?” he whispered.

Cas sighed and gave him a small smile.

“Right,” Dean barely said. “Right...you can’t, uh…  Yeah.” He swallowed thickly and nodded. Then his eyes went wide and he stared at his friend. “Cas, did you find God?”

“Dean-”

“Was it Joshua?”

“Please...don’t ask anything else. I can’t tell you anything.”

“Holy shit,” Dean whispered.

“Dean,” Cas warned.

“Yeah! Yeah, no...uh…” Dean stammered. Then he stopped and just looked at Cas. Cas looked back. Slowly, very slowly, Dean smiled.

“He’s comin’ home?” Dean asked. Tears instantly formed and spilled down his cheeks. “It’s really gonna be him?”

Cas smiled and nodded once. Dean broke. He threw his arms around the angel and hugged him fiercely.

“Cas,” he whispered.

Cas put his arms around him and waited, but Dean said nothing more. He took a deep breath, letting it out with a relaxing shrug. It was good to have finally gotten the courage to tell him...to believe that it might actually be true. He leaned his head against his friend's and gently stroked Dean’s hair.

“Thank you,” Dean groaned into Cas’s shoulder. A single whimper escaped him and after that, he made no further attempt to hide his emotions. He quietly wept, releasing two months worth of desperate fear and grief all at once. His grip on his friend got tighter as he leaned on him to keep himself upright. Cas did his best to support him and said nothing.

After he’d gotten the worst of it out, Dean turned his face into Cas’s neck and kissed him.

“Thank you,” he said again.

“I had little to do with it-”

“Bullshit,” Dean cut him off. “It was you. It’s always you.” He took a couple of shaky breaths, trying to stop crying, but then just gave up.

A moment later, Dean abruptly pulled back, grabbing both sides of Cas’s face and staring into the angel’s eyes. “You didn’t make some kinda deal?” he asked. “Cas, tell me you didn’t sell yourself out! Is that what you couldn’t tell me?!”

The raw panic in Dean took Cas by surprise and he squinted at him.

Dean saw that and nearly choked. “No, no, no, no, god _dammit, Cas!_ _Tell me what you did!_ ” He started out at a murmur and ended at nearly a full scream.

“No!” Cas insisted. He shook his head as best he could, given the man’s death grip on his face. “No, I didn’t! It was nothing like that. No deals or trades or anything of the sort.”

“No deals?!”

“No.”

“Swear?” Dean pleaded. He was still nearly crushing Cas’s skull with his hands and the angels lips were being smooshed from the sides almost to the point he couldn’t speak.

“Yes. I swear. I… Nothing awful. I promise.”

“Fuck!” Dean barked and roughly jerked the angel back into a brutal hug. “Do NOT scare me like that!”

Cas grunted as Dean squeezed the air out of him.

“Alright,” he gasped. He slowly put his arms back around him.

Dean spent a few moments breathing deeply and crushing Cas, before finally getting some control over the adrenaline dump.

“Jesus,” he breathed into the angel’s shoulder. “You’re gonna give me a fuckin’ heart attack. I’m gettin’ too old for this shit.”

Cas moved his hand to a different spot on Dean’s back for a moment, and then nodded. “No need to worry. Your heart is functioning properly. It’s very healthy.”

Dean huffed and then laughed into Cas’s neck. With one last squeeze, he pulled back and once again placed his hands on either side of the angel’s face. He smiled at him, letting his thumb glide across his friend’s cheek.

“Don’t ever change, Cas,” Dean said.

The staring contest that followed went on for far longer than even Cas could bear. He eventually let his gaze drop away.

“Hey,” Dean cooed. “Look at me.”

Cas did, but he was finding it more and more difficult. Dean was looking at him with such intense honesty and trust. He knew he didn’t deserve it and the guilt of allowing himself to feel what he was feeling…

“No,” Dean said, when Cas dropped his eyes again. He took one hand from Cas’s face and put the side of his finger under the angel’s chin, lifting it slightly. “Never change, Cas.” He took a tiny step further toward him, removing all space between them. “You’re perfect...exactly the way you are.”

“I’m not,” Cas whispered. He was surprised he managed to get any words out at all. His vessel’s lungs had seemed to stop working the moment Dean stepped closer. And the tremor he now felt everywhere was making all controlled movements impossible. He swallowed hard and tried to will himself to take a step backward. Dean must have anticipated that, because the man’s other hand came off of Cas’s face and was quickly circled around his waist, pulling him in.

Dean let his gaze roam freely between Cas’s eyes and lips. He nodded. “Yes,” he murmured. “Perfect.”

Dean had somehow managed to turn them during the hug. So when Cas finally forced himself to try to take a step away, he felt the top edge of the desk press into the back of his thigh. He wasn’t going anywhere.

Cas was somewhat startled to realize that his hands had come up, seemingly on their own, at some point, and they were currently sliding slowly along Dean’s upper arms.

Dean’s gaze never faltered as he pressed Cas slightly back, their bodies now completely flush. He breathed lightly against the angel’s parted lips, and waited for something...anything...that would give him permission. He didn’t have to wait long. Cas’s right hand found its way to Dean’s shoulder, and the moment it was in just the right position, Cas sucked in a breath and closed his eyes. A shiver ran through him and when he opened his eyes, Dean leaned in.

They’d already kissed...dozens and dozens of times in the previous weeks. It had always been emotional or thrilling or just comforting. But this kiss...This was different.

Cas had never experienced anything like this. Not with Meg. Not with April. Not even with this version of Dean. He felt his mind relax and his entire body respond with an eagerness he didn’t intend. It suddenly occurred to him that _this_ is what everyone had been talking about all these millenia. The poetry and music, the desperation and longing and even the violence driven by the intense desire for someone. This...was why.

Cas felt the entirety of the universe narrow down to his own body and Dean’s. There was nothing else. No sound or light. Nothing. Only Dean and the feel of him. His scent. His touch. The way he tasted. The way he moved. The sound of the moan he sent across the kiss, that seemed to vibrate Cas’s entire being, true-form included - in fact, it especially vibrated there. He had no idea what to do with that sensation, so he didn’t try to figure it out. He just let both of his arms wrap around Dean and let them move in whatever direction they wanted, all on their own.

He mentally stepped out of the decision making process and just allowed himself to feel everything. Dean was glorious. Exquisite. Bright as the sun and just as overpowering.

He heard his friend chuckle. It was a light, happy sound that Cas wanted to hear as often as possible. It was beautiful.

He really wanted to smile at him. To laugh. To share the joke with him, whatever it was. But Dean’s mouth was right there. And Cas’s lips were quivering too much to form a proper smile anyway. In fact, he found himself immensely grateful for both the desk and Dean’s arms, because he was barely keeping his feet under himself.

“Cas,” Dean whispered into the angel’s mouth just before kissing him again. This time, Dean didn’t hold back. His own hands started moving with abandon, one of them sliding down to Cas’s ass and squeezing. Cas moaned into the kiss and Dean ground his hips forward, sliding his erection against Cas’s. Neither of them made any pretense of hiding it. The sensation jolted Cas and he threw his head back. Dean took advantage, mouthing over every part of the angel’s neck, before pulling down on the collar of his t-shirt to get at the clavicles and eventually settling in on the hollow of his throat.

It took Cas at least three attempts to get his mouth to form the word ‘Dean’ and when he finally did, it came out little more than a shuddering squeak. Dean chuckled again, letting his smooth baritone tickle the angel’s neck, as he slid nose, lips, tongue...whatever surfaces he could use to make contact along the way back up to Cas’s mouth. He hovered there for a moment and let his lips lightly brush against the angel’s, before pulling back a millimeter or two so he could look at him. He grinned and gently nipped at the angel's chin.

Cas was completely wrecked. His face, neck and chest were blotchy and there were goosebumps everywhere. The blue of his eyes - no more than thin rings. His lips were wet and quivering as he looked at Dean expectantly. Hungry. Desperate. He could barely contain himself and it showed.

Dean took in the sight, and instantly found himself overwhelmed again. He missed this. More than he had realized until this moment. The way Cas looked right now...the way Cas always looked when they took their time and did it right… He had the ability to communicate everything from the basest desires to outright spiritual ecstasy. And it was spectacular.

Dean felt like he’d been waiting years to see him again, not just two months. And here he was, warm and alive and in just over a week, he’d have him back for good.

He was coming back in a week. Cas was coming back in a week. His Cas. The real Cas. He only needed to wait a week...

Dean froze, as realization punched him in the gut. “No,” he whispered. He kept his eyes fixed squarely on the angel in his arms...and he barely breathed.

Cas was still lost in the moment. It took him far too long to realize what was happening, but by the time he did, Dean had already pulled him into a tight hug that was nothing like the embrace they’d just had.

“Cas, I’m sorry,” Dean whispered into his friend’s shoulder as he buried his face there. “I’m so sorry.”

Cas was trying to understand what had happened, but was still coming out of the haze he’d been in...and only beginning to assess what he’d just done. The guilt and shame hit him like a cement truck and he felt the joy he’d just been experiencing whither and then vanish altogether. The hole it left was enormous...and seemed irreparable.

Dean could sense the angel collapsing in on himself and he pulled back to look at him.

“No!” Dean pleaded with him. He reached up both hands and gripped Cas’s arms, willing him to stand tall. “No, no, no...Cas. This was me. This was all me. I’m so sorry.” He held him by the arms for a few moments longer and then just hugged him again.

Cas had stopped responding. He stood motionless for quite a while and just let Dean hold him and talk to him and try to perform some kind of damage control. He wanted to tell him it was ok. To help him to not feel bad about it. To tell him he understood. That the other Cas would understand, too. It was an overwhelming situation. He wouldn’t hold it against Dean. It was ok. It would all be ok.

But he couldn't. He couldn't do or say anything.

Finally, after Dean had apologized for the hundredth time and managed to pull away from his friend enough to see that the angel had mentally checked out, he bent down low, putting his face beneath his friends to force eye contact.

Unable to turn away, Cas met his friend’s eyes and mumbled a very quiet, “It’s ok.” A tiny, forced smile flickered across his face and then immediately disappeared.

“It’s not. It’s not ok, Cas. I fucked up. I am so sorry,” Dean pleaded. “Please look at me. Talk to me, Cas. Come on, man… You’re scaring me a little...here. Can you just...look at me? Cas?”

Cas did as he asked. He looked at him. He’d hoped he’d been able to school his features into a pleasant expression or at least the emotionless one he used to wear. But by the look on Dean’s face, he’d obviously failed. He knew he needed to say or do something to reassure his friend. He just couldn’t seem to make it happen.

Dean cupped Cas’s face with both hands. Tears were freely flowing down his own face now. He knew this was not something he’d be able to fix. Not quickly, anyway, and the pain in Cas’s face was absolutely killing him.

“Please talk to me,” Dean whispered one last time.

Cas stared for a moment longer...and then the smile he’d been trying to find briefly tugged up the corners of his mouth.

“I’m fine,” Cas whispered.

Dean stared at him, waiting for something more. Something else. _Anything_ else. But it never came.

Still holding his friend’s face, Dean kissed his forehead, and then wrapped both arms around him and held him.

“I’m gonna fix it, Cas,” Dean eventually whispered into the angel’s hair. “I don’t know how yet, but I’m gonna do it. It’s gonna be better for you. I swear. I’ll make it better for you.”

It may have been the words that finally cut through the fog. Or maybe just that Dean sounded so heartbroken. Cas wasn’t sure. Whatever it was, he felt the paralysis in his body lift and he was able to put his arms around Dean and hug him back.

“I’m fine, Dean,” Cas whispered again. “It’s ok. I’ll be fine.”

Dean just leaned his head against his friend's and pulled him a little tighter.  

 

 


End file.
